Tell this guy to do something and he will.
Stress Reliever
Stress Reliever # 1
Hubby: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at
your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem
can there be greater than this one?"
Stress Reliever # 2
Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries,
troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: it is very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries
or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.
Stress Reliever # 3
Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing
Son: But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.
Stress Reliever # 4
Wife: "What's your excuse for coming home at this time of the
night?"
Husband: "Golfing with friends, my dear."
Wife : "What? At 2 a.m?!"
Husband: "Yes, We used night clubs."
Stress Reliever # 5
A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER
WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE."
Stress Reliever # 6
Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
Stress Reliever # 7
"How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate.
"Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in a 1932 Rolls
Royce."
"Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?"
"He is the original owner."
Stress Reliever # 8
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she
was still a virgin. She was very proud of it.
She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local
undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her
tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker
told his men what the lady had requested. The men went to carve it
in, but being the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the
inscription to be unnecessarily long.
They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
Stress Reliever # 9
Interviewer: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: I owe everything to my wife.
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you
married her?"
Millionaire: "A Billionaire"
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The Death Clock - When Am I Going To Die?
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8:00 pm. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been ?" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard ! You've been playing golf !"
The Second Affair
There was a middle-aged couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the wife finally got pregnant and sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed into the nursery to see his new son.
He took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He went to his wife and told her there was no way he could be the father of that child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered !" Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on me ?" The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time!"
The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." Then she quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then dusted him with talcum powder, "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey ?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue.
Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a night club one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for beer.
"Certainly, Sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"One Cent ?" exclaimed the man.
So the man glances over at the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas and a fried egg ?"
"Certainly Sir," replies the barman, "but that comes to real money."
"How much money" inquires the man. "4 cents," the bartender replied.
"Four Cents?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The bartender replied, "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man says, "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied, "The same thing as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side.
She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.
"Becky my darling," he whispered.
"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother !"
"I know my sweet one" whispered Becky, "that's why I poisoned you."
Two bored male casino dealers were waiting at a craps table.
A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!" Then she hollered...
"YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers.
She then picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought YOU were watching!"
MORAL : Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are the same!
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