Pickup Lines
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under the rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh, you're so right. I want you to leave."
Man: "If I could just see you naked, I'd die happy."
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Hey, cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"
TEN LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1) My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
3) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
4) Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it.
5) Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
6) A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
7) A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
8) Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
9) The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.
10) I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender. For example:
Ziploc bags are Male. They are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
Copiers are Female. They are female because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
Tires are Male because they go bald and are often over-inflated.
Hot Air Balloons are Male because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under them, and of course, there's the hot air part.
Sponges are Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water. (loved this one)
The Web Page is Female because it's always getting hit on.
The Subway is Male because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
The Hourglass is Female because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
A Hammer is Male because it hasn't changed much over the last 5000 years, but it's handy to have around.
The Remote Control is Female. Yes, you thought it would be male. But consider this -- it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.
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