More Andy
1. Andy Rooney on Monica.
1 Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White
House on her hands and knees.
2.Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning
"lousy hunter."
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner?
Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I
live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should
give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve
hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run,
they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed
women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and
walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can
take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are
thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we
can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6. Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use
words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake.' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son
of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna
burn in 'Heck'?
7. Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car
that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that
way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got
that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone's answering
machine? "Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are
too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love." BEEP
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being positive, your test
results are back. Stop sharing the love.."
Follow up from last week.
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras.
One's image was either sculpted or painted. Some
paintings of George Washington showed him standing
behind a desk with one arm behind his back while
others showed both legs and both arms.
Prices charged by painters were not based on how
many people were to be painted, but by how many
limbs were to be painted. Because arms and legs
are "limbs," therefore painting them would cost
the buyer more. Hence the expression, "Okay, but
it'll cost you an arm and a leg."
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths
only twice a year! (May and October) Women kept
their hair covered, while men shaved their heads
(because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy
men could afford good wigs made from wool.
The wigs couldn't be washed. So to clean them,
people would carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig
in the shell, and bake it for 30 minutes. The heat
would make the wig big and fluffy. Hence the term,
"big wig." Today, we often use the term, "here
comes the Big Wig," when someone appears to be
or is, powerful and wealthy.
In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large
room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide
board was folded down from the wall and used for
dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the
chair, while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.
Once in a while, a guest (who was almost always a
man) would be invited to sit in this chair during
a meal. To sit in the chair meant you were important
and in charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the
"chair man." Today in business, we use the expression
or title, "Chairman" or "Chairman of the Board."
Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room
for improvement. As a result, many women and men
had developed acne scars by adulthood.
Women would spread bee's wax over their facial
skin to smooth out their complexions. When they
were speaking to each other, if a woman began to
stare at another woman's face, she was told, "Mind
your own bee's wax."
Should the woman smile, the wax would crack.
Hence the term, "crack a smile." Also, when
they sat to close to the fire, the wax would melt
and therefore the expression, "losing face."
Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front.
A tightly tied lace was worn by a proper and dignified
lady as in, "straight laced."
Common entertainment included playing cards.
However, there was a tax levied when purchasing
playing cards, but only applicable to the "Ace of
Spades."
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51
cards instead. Yet, because most games require
52 cards, these people were thought to be stupid or
dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
Early politicians required feedback from the public to
determine what was considered important to the people.
Since there were no telephones, TV's or radios, the
politicians sent their assistants to local taverns, pubs,
and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen
to people's conversations and political concerns. Many
assistants were dispatched at different times. "You go
sip here" and "You go sip there."
These two words "go sip" were eventually combined
when referring to the local opinion and, thus we have
the term, "gossip."
At local taverns, pubs, and bars, people drank from pint
and quart-sized containers. A bar maid's job was to keep
an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She
had to pay close attention and remember who was
drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts."
Hence the term, "minding your "P's and Q's."
One more: bet you didn't know this!
In the heyday of sailing ships, all war ships and many
freighters carried iron cannons. Those cannons fired
round iron cannon balls. It was necessary to keep a
good supply near the cannon, but how to prevent them
from rolling about the deck? The best storage method
devised was a square based pyramid with one ball on
top, resting on four resting on nine, which rested on
sixteen. Thus, a supply of 30 cannon balls could be
stacked in a small area right next to the cannon. There
was only one problem ... how to prevent the bottom
layer from sliding or rolling from under the others.
The solution was a metal plate called a "Monkey"
with 16 round indentations. But, if this plate were
made of iron, the ironballs would quickly rust to
it. The solution to the rusting problem was to make
"Brass Monkeys."
Few landlubbers realize that brass contracts much more
and much faster than iron when chilled. Consequently,
when the temperature dropped too far, the brass
indentations would shrink so much that the iron
cannonballs would come right off the monkey. Thus,
it was quite literally, "Cold enough to freeze the balls
off a brass monkey." (And all this time, you thought
that was an improper expression, didn't you?)
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