Dog VS Wife
1 The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
How To Spot A Millionaire
Jewish Mother & Daughter "Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?"
"You're going out?"
"Yes."
"With whom?"
"With a friend."
"I don't know why you left your husband.
He is such a good man."
"I didn't leave him. He left me!"
"You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybody and nobody."
"I do not go out with just anybody.
Can I bring over the kids?"
"I never left you to go out with anybody except your father."
"There are lots of things that you did and I don't."
"What are you hinting at?"
"Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight."
"So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?"
"He's not a loser."
"A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a loser and a parasite."
"I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?"
"Poor children with such a mother."
"Such as what?"
"With no stability. No wonder your husband left you."
"ENOUGH !!"
"Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too!"
"Now you're worried about the loser?"
"Ah, so you see he's a loser. I spotted him immediately."
"Goodbye, mother."
"Wait! Don't hang up! When are you bringing them over?"
"I'm not bringing them over! I'm not going out!"
"If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?"
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