A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results.
"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"
"Ten," the doctor says sadly.
"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!"
"Nine..."
These are not Blonde Jokes! ...... but could be!!
Idiot #1
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the Emergency room Right away.
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Idiot #2
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees at the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. When they took it for a float on the river, they were surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that is activated when the raft is inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot #3
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to a Wells Fargo bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept this stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. He was arrested few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at the Bank of America.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot #4
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture-of handcuffs this time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot #5
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he had read off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
After many hours of drinking heavily, Bob is feeling very jovial. He turns to the blurry figure sitting next to him and slurs "Do you want to hear a blonde joke"
"Listen buddy", says the female voice of the blurry figure "I weigh 17st and I'm the British kick boxing champion, I also happen to be blonde. The person sat next to me is 18st and the British women's arm wrestling champion, she is also blonde. And the person at the end of the bar is the 20st British women's power lifting champion, she also happens to be blonde. Now do you still want to tell a blonde joke?"
"No" says Bob after a pause to think about it,
"Not if I'm gonna have to explain it three times"
SOME SIGNS & SLOGANS ALONG THE WAY....
PLUMBER:
We repair what your husband Fixed."
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE
Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip - call your plumber."
PIZZA SHOP SLOGAN:
"7 days without pizza makes one Weak."
TIRE SHOP IN MILWAUKEE
"Invite us to your next blowout."
ON DOOR OF PLASTIC SURGEON'S OFFICE:
"Let us help you pick your nose?"
TOWING COMPANY:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."
ON AN ELECTRICIAN'S TRUCK:
"Let us look into your shorts."
NONSMOKING AREA:
"If we see smoke we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
MATERNITY ROOM DOOR:
"Push, Push, Push."
OPTOMETRIST'S OFFICE:
"If you don't see what you're looking for you've come to the right place."
TAXIDERMIST'S WINDOW:
"We really know our stuff."
PODIATRIST'S OFFICE:
"Time wounds all heels."
BUTCHER'S WINDOW:
"Let me meat your needs."
CAR DEALERSHIP:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
MUFFLER SHOP:
"No appointment Necessary, we hear you coming."
HOTEL WANT AD:
"Help! We need inn-experienced people."
VETERINARIANS SIGN:
"Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay! "
ELECTRIC BILL
"We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't you will be."
COMPUTER STORE:
"Out for a quick byte."
RESTAURANT WINDOW SIGN:
"Don't stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up."
AT A SEPTIC TANK COMPANY:
"We are #1 in the #2 business."
INSIDE BOWLING ALLEY:
"Please be quiet, we're trying to hear a pin drop."
IN A COUNSELOR'S OFFICE:
"Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
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