Upon hearing her grandfather had died, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother to comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that surely 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble.
"Oh no, my dear," replied grandmother. Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm, nice and slow and even, nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."
She paused to wipe away a tear and continued, "He'd be alive today if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
He rings the bell. The owner answers, and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks. "Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now... I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that shit."
Homer, a handsome dude, walks into the NCO Club and sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV. The 10:00 PM news was on.
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looks at Homer and says, "Do you think he will jump?"
Homer says, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde replies, "Well, I bet he won't."
Homer placed a $20 dollar bill on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building and fell to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to Homer and said, "All is fair. Here is your money."
Homer replies, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the five o'clock news and I knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too. But, I didn't think he'd do it again."
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