Warning: I Speed Up And Run Over Politicians
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
The Earth Is Full -- Go Home
I Have The Body Of A God (Buddha)
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening to Me
Cleverly Disguised as a Responsible Adult
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Illiterate? Write For Help
Honk If Anything Falls Off
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From the Next Exit
Where Are We Going and Why Am I In This Handbasket?
It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now
I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35mph Are Also Timed for 70mph.
Boldly Going Nowhere
Heart Attacks... God's Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends
How Many Roads Must a Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?
My tire was thumping...
I thought it was flat...
when I looked at the tire...
I noticed your cat... Sorry!
You had your bladder removed
and you're on the mends...
here's a bouquet of flowers
and a box of Depends.
You've announced that you're gay,
won't that be a laugh,
when they find out you're one
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff!
Happy Vasectomy!
Hope you feel zippy!
'Cause when I had mine
I got real snippy.
Heard your wife left you...
How upset you must be...
But don't fret about it...
She moved in with me.
Your computer is dead...
it was once so alive.
Don't you regret installing
Windows 95?
You totaled your car...
and can't remember why...
could it have been...
the case of Bud Dry?
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back - eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to otherdrivers." "Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly... Twenty-Two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time." the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route119."
A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, flooring it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. "This is great," he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more. Then he looked in his rear view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph Then 110, 120 mph. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of crap."
He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him. The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man.
"Sir," he said, looking at his watch. "My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding, that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked at the trooper and said, "Years ago my wife ran off witha Florida State trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back."
The trooper replied, "Sir, have a nice day."
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