by Dave Barry , Nationally Syndicated Columnist
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. You should not confuse your career with your life.
6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
7. Never lick a steak knife.
8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
14. Your friends love you anyway.
15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic
16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine.. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
FINAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2030, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them
http://www.illwillpress.com/tech.html
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you.
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
Sorry to have missed you but I am at the doctors having my brain removed so that I can be promoted to management.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.)
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
AND, FINALLY, ABSOLUTELY THE BEST:
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta' instead of 'Steve'.
A N.J., policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem -- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD".
The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money.
(And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in Morristown NJ. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the NJ State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the NJ State Police Ball.
"He replied, "NJ State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
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