NAME: Greg Bulmash
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: A target for middle management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO
THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it".
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?".
"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me" he explains.
"What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties".
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"
And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look around," said the sales lady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four TYPES of bras," continued the sales clerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the 4 types.
The sales lady replied "The Catholic type, the Salvation Army type, the Presbyterian type, and the Jewish type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked, "What is the difference between them?"
The sales lady responded: "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, the Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and the Jewish type makes mountains out of mole hills."
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